On January 20th, we drove to Austin, Texas, to meet the sales crew. It was about 20 people, between the ages of 18 and 25, who all like to party, smoke pot, and like to make money. Me and Danielle thought we hit the jackpot for a great job. We were introduced to everybody and Paul Weber (the boss). It consisted of about 10-15 guys who hit on us non- stop and 5-10 girls, who loved my personality and my clothes. We got to go to colleges, neighborhoods, and apartment complexes to go door to door and sell magazines revolving around a contest. Seems easy enough. Yeah right!!! The magazines cost a fortune and it was harder than hell, trying to get somebody to buy one. Until, I got good at it after a few weeks and started making a lot of money. This is also how I met Nicholas Anthony Comstock. Now the love of my life. I saw as a dorky guy following me around telling me he loved me. Weird or what?

On February 22nd, I agreed to start dating Nick. To this day, I still don't know if it's the best, or dumbest thing I ever did. Believe me, I wasn't exaggerating about him following me around, pissing off the guys that already had "dibs" on me. He told me he loved me and my response was always like "I know" or "that's nice" or "okay". The next day I hopped on a plane to Kentucky, to visit my Mom. I stayed for 2 weeks and rode a bus to Atlanta, Georgia, to meet back up with the crew. I spent the night in Nick's room, but still didn't sleep with him. He left the next day, hopped on a plane to Colorado Springs, Colorado, where he is from for a minor court appearance. He ended up going to jail for 30 days and I didn't see him until almost a month and a half later. That was a long time to wait for somebody under those circumstances, but something compelled me to be faithfull and just go to work. It turned into weeks then days until he would return.

On April 14, 2001, Nick returns to the magazine crew when our present location was Chicago, Illinois. We spent the next couple of nights together, but I still didn't "let him hit it", even though he pratically begged. I was then notified, I was to go on Spur Crew. That is when 4 or more people separate from crew for a week as a promotion for the spur crew. Separated again. It seemed endless. My sales total that week was 24. 30 Sales is the minimum you should have. On 20 april, 2001, I knocked on a door and no one answered. When I started to walk away, the door opened and it was a very short middle aged woman, who quickly invited me into her house. She bought a magazine and confessed to me that she was a physic. My heart dropped when she told me she knew I was going to be there that day and she had something to tell me. She asked to do a taroh reading. I agreed of course and she told me things that a complete stranger would never know.

Sydney was her name. Sydney told me information about my court case, about my car accident and about Nick. She told me I was unable to become pregnant and that I would try and try but it would be unsuccessful. Til this day, I still never told anybody about what she told me. I guess I don't want to believe it. She also told me I wouldn't be doing this job by 2002 and Nick and I would eventually get married. When I left her house after an hour of talking, I was in disbelief. Then I couldn't imagine leaving the job or marrying Nick and most of all, not being able to bear children. Later I realized I was on the depo (birth control) shot and maybe, hopefully, that's why she sensed it. I didn't dwell on it too much. I did take it into consideration though. The next week when our spur crew was reunited with the rest of the crew, I got chewed out for doing so badly. What could I say? Kalamazoo, Michigan was a party town.

The next week was the first full week Nick and I got to spend together as a couple. I had 56 sales (a high week) and Nick wrote a 70 sale week which is the highest sales week on our crew. We also started having sex that week. Almost 3 months after we started dating. Pretty good, I think. I didn't wanna jump right into bed with him because I knew how people talked about girls on crew and for the most part, I didn't know very much about him. The first 3 months of our relationship was choppy and kind of crazy, but the next 3 months were full of great sex, fighting, breaking up and making up (that was the best part). The next thing I know, I had been on crew for almost 6 months and with Nick almost 5. The second longest relationship I've ever been in. I remember the first time I told him I loved him, too. It was a cool night in Cincinnati, Ohio we were laying in bed together after sex we were falling asleep and he looked into my eyes and said "I love you". I said "I love you too."

I wasn't sure I really did love him but it came out of my mouth with so much emotion. I knew it just felt right. Vacation/banquet came and went so fast it was like a blink of an eye. Kinda like the way people come and go from crew. I really don't blame them. Having to walk around in 20 degree weather, shivering, trying to knock on doors when it's like 9 o'clock at night, disturbing people eating dinner, or 102 degree weather midday, praying to hear a faint jingle of the ice cream truck or at least a sprinkler to relieve dehydration. It's frustrating and very very stressful. Rain, shine, snow or hail, you were cut in it, trying to sell magazines. 6 o'clock in the morning to 1 or 2 in the morning every day. Little sleep can make you delierious, when you are in hot weather all morning. Believe me. I know from experience. It's called heat exhaustion. But I hit my 6 months and Nick was very close to his one year mark.

On July 23. 2001, Nick, Danielle, and I were all in the same sale's car. Nick was driving and he dropped everyone off except me. We went to Taco Bell and just talked. We talked about the job and how unhappy we were with it, we talked about marriage, and we talked about anything and everything. Even leaving the job. We picked everybody up and dropped everybody off except Danielle. We all drove around for a little bit, then went to the park, the whole time contemplating on how to leave. Danielle was so miserable working there. For the last couple weeks, she would only have one sale a day. Two on a good day. I don't even know why she stayed for so long. The only reason I stayed was because of Nick, and when he told me he wanted to leave, I was so happy! I had my Mom wire me $400.00 dollars. I cashed 2 checks from vacation, that I had won, and we used Danielle's $82.00 from her one sale of the day.

All together, I had about $700.00 within like 3 hours, and we're ready to go. All we had to do was pack our stuff and go to the bus station in downtown Minneapolis, Michigan. We picked the other 2 people up, took them to break, and dropped them off. Nick drove us back to the hotel, so that we could pack our stuff. We crossed our fingers the whole way to the hotel, hoping that Paul had taken his Wife, Jessica, out for her birthday. Unfortunately, when we pulled into the parking lot, we saw their Navigator, sitting in the lot. That made things a lot harder. We ran through the hotel, packed our shit with a quickness and I was taking my first bag out to the car and I ran right smack into Paul, bringing his dogs in from walking them. He asked me what I was doing there and all I could say was "I am going home. I'm going home, Paul, I'm leaving". No matter what he asked me or even when he asked me "Where's Nick".

I knew he saw the car, because he told me he had the keys. We finished packing, explaining ourselves, and Nick had to go get the other people on territory. While he was gone, I called a cab. We got to the bus station 3 hours before the bus left. So, we went to lunch at a mexican restraunt for lunch, then back to the bus station to wait. Nick pulled me outside and told me to get on the bus without him. I cried, and cried, and asked him to come with me. I couldn't believe what he was telling me! He was the one who brought it up, wanted to leave, then he wanted me to leave without him. He was WABing me. But he left on the bus with me. A 3-day bus ride from Minnesota, Michigan, to Seguin, Texas. All the way across the country to stay at Danielle's house. We only stayed there for a week and a half, but it was the worst week and a half. Nick tortured Danielle's 2 1/2 year old nephew, was acting horrible and complained all the time.

On August 5th, 2001, I had to make a decision, either to be without Nick and stay at Danielle's, go back to the crew with Nick, or go home to my Mom and say screw them both. They were making me make a very hard decision. Chicks over dicks or follow my heart? Danielle's sister Marcia kicked Nick out for being mean to Tyler and their family was happy to see him go. They begged me to stay and let Nick go, but I have grown to love him so much by then, that I actually saw myself being with him for the rest of my life. I followed my heart and chose the road less taken. Well, the bumpiest damn road driving a golf cart. I wanted to be with Nick, but I knew, I never wanted to go back to crew. We couldn't go to my Mom's house, so the only other way was Nick's Mom's house. By the way, Nick had been unsuccessfully trying to get a hold of his Mom since we left crew. He called family members and friends and tried everything. Unfortunately, we were going to have to just kinda show up on her door step. That night, I payed for us to stay in a hotel room, because we very well couldn't stay at Danielle's house, because she was irate with me for choosing Nick over her.

We also went out to eat that night at Red Lobster, my treat of course, and I got short changed by the waitress by almost $30 bucks. I found myself paying for everything. Everything from the bus ride to leave crew, to their cigarettes, to anything else he pressured me into buying. Nick thinks I have so much money from my car accident settlement, that I can just buy him anything he wants and I'm such a pushover that I do. I've bought him clothes, shoes, socks, a watch, more clothes, lunch, dinner, and breakfast, CD's, hangers, a portable closet, shaving cream and razors, teeth whitening stuff, cigarettes, hats, under-shirts, and that's not even the end of it. I forgot about the bus tickets out to his Mom's house, which I paid for and the cash or calling card numbers I've given him. I hope he gets to read this one day. Especially, because he bought me a ring and might have paid for dinner once or twice, and that's about it.

The very next day, I took my car back and Nick and I got on another bus to Colorado Springs, Colorado. We arrived the next day in the Springs and we took a cab to his Mom's house. I was so nervous, my stomach hurt and Nick wasn't helping it at all. When we got there, Nick ran into the house and I helped the cab driver get our stuff out of the trunk. I met Tabitha, Nick's 14 year old sister, first and I met John, his Stepdad. His Mom was at work still and his other Sister didn't live there anymore. I met his Mom, Sherry, who is a beautiful, kind-hearted lady. They took us right in. No questions asked, that I know of. We told her our story, and quite a story it is. After a few days I got to know and meet all of his family. I fell in love. They were way cool and reminded me of home. His Parents,and Grandma, all smoke pot and like to crack on Nick, so of course we got along. Nick and I cleared out Crystal's old room and packed up all her stuff.

We had our own room, and our own closet, and our own bed. It's a start, but it's exactly what I wanted. Stability and great sex in our own bed, or on the floor, or in the shower, or where-ever we happened to be at that moment. It got to where we were having sex like 3 times a day. It still didn't make up for the mental and bad pysical abuse. It is just the way he says shit and does shit that brings tears to my eyes, but I know from experience not to cry in front of him, because I know exactly what he would say and do. It's like he mentally overpowers me and makes me do shit I don't want to do and if I ever hear the words "if you love me..." I would be libel to scream and will probably throw something. That single phrase "erks" me and sends cold chills though me. Nick and I have a very physical relationship.

One thing I destintely remember on our venture here to the Springs, was that our physical fights would stop because his mom was not going to let that shit fly in her house, so he would have to be nice. Actually, it was complete opposite. Most of our fights ended with me crying in the corner of our room and him holding my wrist, telling me he loved me....

Then everything was okay. One time. it went too far. About a month after staying with his Mom. We started argueing and wrestiling over something really retarted then it progressed into a fight. I heard him make the remark "I hope this one sends you home". He called me a cry-baby and told me to go home to my Mom and he hoped I was pregnant. He said it with so much passion that it broke my heart, instantly. When I told him I had to go call my Mom, he didnt care. He didn't even attempt to stop me. That's how I knew he was serious. The whole time I was walking to the pay phone, I kept saying to myself "he's serious, he really wants me to leave".

On August 28, 2001, I packed my shit, again, and with no sympathy or attempt to stop me from leaving from Nick, I was bound for Mom's crib. She told me when I got there, I could take a simple test to get a job at Citibank Financing Center making $10.40 an hour, because they had to hire like 1,500 people this year. She also told me, one of my friends, Jenny, was looking for a roommate because she was renovating an old house she had just bought. At least, I had something to look foward to. Nick truely hurt my feelings and broke my heart, not even in one day, but the last couple weeks, having to put up with his unsensitivity and stupidity. I guess you have to take the bad with the good. Bad attitude and out-look on life and religion; good sex and deep emotional feelings about love and our future. Like I said earlier in this - now the love of my life- I felt that I was losing that and everything I had worked so hard to love, over a stupid fight.

I cried myself to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night alone. I had a feeling he didn't want to sleep in the same bed as me. He couldn't even look at my face or talk to me. I got up to use the restroom and heard him downstairs playing video games. That didn't surprise me. I had reminded myself earlier to get my rings from above the sink, when I went to reach for them, they were gone from where I knew I had left them. I knew they were there, because I put them there before I took a shower a few days earlier. I looked everywhere on and around the sink, but they were not to be found. When I stood up from kneeling down on the floor, I got very dizzy and blacked out. Something I had experienced a few times before, when I get up too fast or something I felt very nausiated and got sick instantly. Good thing I was in the bathroom. I hate throwing up! It is so gross! Stress always does that to me. It is also why I don't get drunk very often.

I whispered downtstairs and asked Nick if he had picked them up or moved them. He told me he hadn't touched them and demanded that they were there that morning, because he saw them when he took a shower. Nick blamed Anna, Sherry and Dana blamed Tabitha, and it wasn't a big deal for me. Oh well, it wasn't the first time something had gotten stolen from me. It did piss me off though, because some of them did mean a lot to me. It was surprising to see Nick act like he cared so much after the way he was acting towards me. I had a gut feeling I wouldn't see them again. I fell asleep crying and woke up crying, but I fell asleep and woke up next to Nick. I couldn't help crying. My heart was hurting, because I felt I was doing the wrong thing, but I had to keep telling myself it's the right thing. The next thing to do was go to Western Union, then to the Airport. Somewhere in there, Nick appologized and asked me to stay. That's all it took. I got sick to my stomach again.

Then I decided to stay. I didnt quite know if that was the right decision, but I figured what the hell, more sex. It only lasted about a week or two, make up time, which consisted of Nick in one of my thongs. Sexy sight or what? Flesh and lots of hair, and a tiny g-string that barely covered what needed to be covered. That's O-Kay, because it was a big turn on. A couple weeks went by and Nick decided to go back to crew and work for Paul again. The plan was that he would go back and work and send money home every week and I would stay and work 2 jobs and put all the money in the bank. Seperated again. I love this man with all my heart and it hurt to know, I wouldn't see him, touch him, or make love to him for months. Maybe, it was for the better, though. We had been fighting a lot and I had bruses all over my arms and legs. Nick left on a Saturday. He called on the following Sunday and Tuesday, but after that, he didn't call for 2 weeks and he didn't send one dime home for me to put in the bank. Just as well, I wasn't working to put money in the bank anyways. This wasn't the first time he let me down. And it's not the last time, either.

The phone rang one afternoon and it was Nick. Much to my surprise, he told me how much he missed me and loved me and "wanted to come home". I was so happy to hear those words come out of his mouth. I was so miserable without him. Having to sleep alone and wake up by myself, and having to have that part of my life not with me, tore me apart. The following weekend, Nick called again to confirm he was coming home to me. He told me he was at the bus-station in Sacramento and told me how much he loved me and that he would see me in a few days. I was so happy!!!! I called the bus station and they told me the bus would be in at 8:00pm. On Saturday, September. 29, 2001, Nick's bus was to arrive at 12:30am. I was overwelmed with happiness. I was so anxious to see him that I left a 1/2 an hour early to go pick him up from the bus station.

Most of this journal is about him, because I found myself deeply in love with him. This is something I've never felt for anybody, or any man I've ever had a relationship with. That's because I truly believe, I had found my soulmate, the love of my life. When Nick came back from crew, I kept saying to myself, if you love something so much you have to let it go and if it comes back to you, you know it was truly yours. But what if it leaves again? Well that's what happened. After a really big fight one morning, Nick dis-owned his family, broke up with me, and called Paul, again... He got a bus ticket for 7 o'clock that night. He broke my heart, again, and the nasty names he called me truly hurt my feelings.